A. A Piercing Headache: Logically, you know there’s not a knife sticking out of your skull right now, but it sure doesn’t feel like it. You didn’t know it was possible to cram that much pain into such a small area, but you’d give anything to make it stop. You hide from the light, pop a million aspirin, and drink however many gallons of water you think it will take to make this thing go away but it’s no use. You’re just gonna have to wait this one out.
B. The Liquor Sweats: It’s so much worse than regular sweat. What last night was a delicious beverage, now feels to you like the poison it actually is. You can feel it seeping out of your pores in a way that makes you feel like you’re reliving all your mistakes from last night over again. It sticks to your skin like a filmy scarlet letter that makes every part of you 10% more uncomfortable.
C. Stomach Full of Garbage: When your inhibitions were down last night, you decided it was a good idea to stuff your body like the garbage monster that you truly are. You don’t fully remember what it is you ate but you can feel it in there rumbling around like an uninvited visitor that gives you acid reflux. What worse is even though you can feel that your stomach is full to the brim, your tummy is still somehow rumbling. You hope there’s enough room in there because you’re about cram a whole hell of a lot more in there.
D. A Bladder That’s Ready to Burst: What goes up must come down and what goes in must come bursting out. Just about every drink you had last night is currently sloshing around in your pubic area and you want nothing more than to evacuate it. The only problem is that the very act of moving feels like it may cause the whole thing to pop. You carefully waddle over your bathroom with all the carefulness of a bomb squad, and when you make it there safely, you enjoy what is simultaneously the best and worst piss of your life.
E. Mystery Scrapes: As you slowly try to readjust to walking again, you notice a slight pain on your knees. You look down to see some scrapes that you have on both your knees. Did you fall? You don’t remember falling.
F. Debris from a Fall: Really seems like you fell. You’re still not entirely sure what happened, but you’re glad you didn’t get seriously injured. If you forgot falling, what the hell else are you forgetting?!? You grow increasingly more nervous.
G. Sore Shoulders From Passing Out: When your head hit the pillow last night, you thought that you went to sleep like a baby. Truth is, though, that you actually passed out, and in your drunken state you were unable to realize that the position you slept in was hell on your your back. The end result is sore shoulder muscles that would certainly hurt if you had any intention of walking today.
H. Questionable Bowels: Everything good has an ugly side and this is it. The best metaphor for how you’re feeling right now and the unpleasant end of what was supposed to nothing but fun and games. Fixing the situation that’s festering in your bowels is the first step to recovery, but….well let’s just say it won’t be pretty.